Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The Immaculate Conception

Today we want to talk about something that has long concerned us. It is something that most don't believe in but yet it seems to be a real part of life in America. I can see the 4 people who have read this blog saying what the hell is this fool talking about? What does the immaculate conception have to do with America?

The answer is simple. I can bet you have seen this occur at least 3 times in your life. It occurs everytime a Hollywood attempts to integrate the movies. I'm sure most of us have seen the film "Phenomenon" with John Travlota, a whole cast of white people and Forrest Whitaker. At least Diana Ross was mentioned, even though it was as some untouchable creation off in the "ether." How is it possible that a black man could misraculously appear in the middle of BumFuck, Wherever USA and not have a parent, sibling, or "culturally-equivalent" compatriot?

Again, the answer is simple the unending quest by the forces in Hollywood to minimalize the importance of minorities in "their" world.

Other examples of the "IC" are Star Wars, both Billy Dee Williams and Samuel L. Jackson portrayed a "racial-variety" that possessed the inate ability to spontaneously reproduce, the recent werewolf flick "Cursed" with Christina Ricci, a whole cast of white teens and Mya, playing the dual role of the first black person to get killed and the only black person in the movie.

This phenomenon seems to occur with greater frequency as more rappers end up in feature films. Take the epic remake, "The Flight of the Phoenix" where "StickyFingas" and Tyrese play the role of the endearing yet obedient and clinging black men who seem to never find a woman of color nor have any mentionable family. At least the rich translator was rich.

Other notable examples include the poignant drama "LA Confidential," starring a particularly "insensitive" Kevin Spacey, yes I know there were 4 blacks in it but they all seemed amazingly detached from the reproductive process as no black women were anywhere to be found. Sure it was about "upscale callgirls" but hey what better way to belittle the whole race than to have a black girl with a sad story who attracts Jewish men?

Following closely behind is the campy yet endearing "Resident Evil: Apocalypse," starring Milla Jovovich, a large beast, a cast of white people and an unknown black character actor who dies badly.

Then there's the touching "Ladder 49" with Joaquin Phoenix and John Travolta (I guess he can only work with one black on the set at a time), where Morris Chestnut has an invisible family who is never seen even while he is recoverng from a melted face (compassion thy name is not Hollywood). Jeff Goldblum stars in the comical romp, "Holy Man" where Eddie Murphy apparently lived with a woman who was either a real ho or practiced in the art of asexual reproduction. John's talents are again tapped for "SwordFish" a movie that amazingly has a black male and female - even though they never interact or appear in frame together - one of whom even survives through the end of the film ( amazingly Don Cheadle is one of the only black actors to never play gay or "wimpy" part. He even has so far avoided the interracial role, though he came close in "Rosewood").

Another new entry is "Paparrazi" (does anyone know how to spell that?) with Cole Hauser (who?), a whole lot of white people and a cameo by Chris Rock as a pizza guy who complains about police harassment (heaven forbid). "The Edge" a tense thriller starring Anthony Hopkins reminisces about the last black guy getting eaten by a bear (it hints that the rest died like "Ice Age's" dodo as Oz's Harold Perrineau nearly removes his leg trying to make a spear - wow at least that kills the spearchucker moniker). Clint Eastwood loaned his talents at least twice to the phenomenon in the films "Heartbreak Ridge," where Mario Van peeples has token duty and the Academy Award winning "Unforgiven" as obviously no other blacks made it through slavery so Morgan Freeman had to settle for a mute Indian squaw - who appears as the only other race to exist at the time). Speaking of Unforgiven, I guess blacks should be glad that at least we appear in some "mainstream" movies as something other than "cultural comedians" like the ever present lone chinese cook or the quintessential hispanic criminal.

Many other examples of this amazing phenomenon exist but the list is so long that it would take until tomorrow.
SO the next time someone questions the immaculate conception direct them to the Box Office.


Anonymous said...

amazingly Don Cheadle is one of the only black actors to never play gay or "wimpy" part. He even has so far avoided the interracial role, though he came close in "Rosewood"

Don had a brief moment of both in Boogie Nights. He wore that goofy wig and had a white girlfriend.

TheKhalif said...

Wow, his role was so inocuous that I hardly remember it. I saw the movie and can't remember his girlfriend.